Sunday, October 7, 2012

On the Occasion of the Anniversary of a Friend's Death

September 28th was a Friday this year, the same day it was 5 years ago. This Friday the 28th I worked till a little after 7 p.m. That Friday the 28th I was home in the evening, preparing a dinner that would never get eaten. It was Paula Deen's "Beef Bourbon Y'all." It's delicious, but I haven't made it since.

On that Saturday the 29th, I set out in the morning to take pictures. The result was "East in the Morning." This Saturday the 29th, I would have gone out to take a companion set, but I had to work. After work, though, I drove to Heritage Cove Resort to be in the last place that Ben was ever in.

I had been to Heritage Cove once before, just over a year after Ben died. That time, I was angry. I threw rocks at the lake. I didn't know what else to do. Recently Tina suggested setting the lake on fire. That idea has the added benefit that Ben would have thought it was awesome. But it wouldn't help. This year, I tried to get mad at the lake; I swore at it a couple times. I couldn't muster it. What good does it do to be mad at the lake?

I am grateful that I and so many of my friends blogged actively around the time Ben died. There is a record of those days, of what we were thinking and feeling immediately before and immediately after his death. One thing I have discovered about those blog posts is that some of them are extraordinarily well written. Watch this space (or Facebook, or both; I haven't decided) over the next month or so and I will post links to those I find most worth rereading.

Why the next month? Because, though September 28th was a difficult day this year, there is a more difficult day coming. On November 1st of this year, Ben will have been dead for longer than he was alive while I knew him.

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